Editor:

I’m writing today because I feel it is imperative for the citizens of the Republic of Athens to do something about all these block parties.

The students are an 800-lb. gorilla. There’s no getting rid of this gorilla; he is indomitable and consumes copious quantities of bananas (beer). The gorilla comes with the territory, and residents accept this.

Happily, part of the gorilla is an industrious, if fun-loving, beast. Part of the gorilla wants to make a contribution to society, to raise kittens and learn sign language.

But the gorilla also has a dark side. For this part of the gorilla, the jungle, which is our town, is nothing more than a place for him to run around hooting, drinking from streams and marking territory.

Responsible, tax-paying citizens are the spider monkeys trying to avoid being used as swinging vines when the gorilla decides it’s time for some fun. We’ve had enough of trash in the streets, of near-riots and attacks on police horses. I feel like I’m in that movie, “King Kong,” directed by Peter Jackson, except without the distracting performance by Jack Black.

Net traps and tranquilizer guns aside, wouldn’t a respectable “republic” do something to control this bumbling animal before he destroys the place we love?

Relocating him to his sanctuary in the suburbs is only ever a temporary solution. So far, the joke’s on us, the real people who actually live here on purpose (and on our own dime)! Who’s going to stick up for US?

You probably won’t even publish this letter, but here it is.

- Patricia Suggs, Better Neighborhoods Association of Athens

photo credit: dce_76

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Cute kitten? Or sinister homicidal maniac?

Editors:

I’m writing to introduce the formation of the the Real Skeptics’ Skeptical Society (RSSS). Unlike other such organizations, our mission is to apply thoughtful, critical skepticism to everything, including skepticism itself.

I’m not just talking UFOs, bigfoot, the Loch Ness monster, ghosts, and all of the usual suspects here. I’m talking about the development of a new world order, under which we shall some day all live under the banner of “I DOUBT IT.”

For too long, we’ve coddled the believers in this great country. Or is this technically a “country” at all? (Slight digression: I’ve got some pretty compelling evidence that the whole 1776 declaration bit never actually went down! More on that some other time.)

But this is just one example of the kinds of things that RSSS is looking to investigate. Yeah, I’m sick of people allowing themselves to feel “good” by believing in things, like sunlight, chiropractors, “comfort foods,” god, accupuncture, morphine, and that “Chicken Soup For the Soul” book series.

More than that though, RSSS is concerned with greater existential matters, ones that affect every man, woman and child. Like, am I even writing this right now? Are you even reading this? How can you be sure? And how can you be sure you’re sure? (See? Caught you assuming already, didn’t I?) No more illusions, America! It’s time to debunk everything that feels right. Having your day ruined is a small cost for discovering truth.

If you’re interested in being a part of this new adventure, drop me a line to receive details on our inaugural organizational meeting. We’re planning a big potluck meet-and-greet. Or are we?

Sincerely (?)

Chester Blake, founder RSSS

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I’m writing on behalf of Concerned Citizens of Athens Who Favor Modifying, Curtailing And/Or Banning The Halloween Block Party Altogether (or CCAWFMCAOBTHPA, pronounced “C-C-A-W-F-M-C-A-O-B-T-H-P-A”). Every year around this time, it’s the same old story — a great excuse for drunken transients to parade around mostly naked, often in weather conditions well below the annual average temperature.

We’re not opposed to fun, but if Athens is going to make national headlines every year, we’d prefer that it be for something other than a bunch of alcohol-poisonings, random tire-slashings, public urination, flesh-baring revelers, and tazings (usually of flesh-baring revelers). Also, what is the deal with girls always dressing as some kind of bee? Or as a mostly naked… whatever? Mostly naked nurse, mostly naked taxman, mostly naked sanitary engineer, mostly naked lemur, etc.

This year, our Board of Directors has put together a “comprehensive plan” aimed at phasing out Halloween in Athens. As our name implies, we’re certainly not without our factions, as recommendations vary widely in severity and urgency, from issuing glow-sticks to every attendee to constructing a concrete wall and electric fence around the city’s perimeter. Whatever your interest level, we’re confident that there’s a place for you to contribute to the ongoing goals of CCAWFMCAOBTHPA. Look for us year-round as we distribute our brochures that contain our entire plan. Happy Halloween, and please don’t assault anybody.

Warmly,

Betty Collins, Director
CCAWFMCAOBTHPA

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