Republic of Athens

Buy me a river

Taking a cue from our Kentucky neighbors, Athens developer Brette Haynes, scorned by many locals for projects that wipe out large swaths of the area’s tree-filled hillsides, has announced plans to offer corporate sponsorships for trees that can now be spared for a price.

And, in an unprecedented move, Haynes has offered to auction off the naming rights to Hocking River, also recently purchased by Haynes.

“The idea of sponsoring a tree is a win-win… for the natural environment and the animals that live there, for companies that will benefit directly from mixing conservation with advertising, and for people who think it’s neat to live in a town that has trees,” Haynes said.

As for taking corporate bids to rename the Hocking River, Haynes said it’s no different from renaming major sports arenas.

“It’s not about changing the river in any way, just about changing what we call it,” he said. “So what if it’s officially called The Taco Bell River or The Kroger River, or whatever. It’s still a beautiful place. And obviously I need to at least make back the money I put into acquiring the river.”

Haynes said if none of the bids exceed his purchase price, he’ll consider renaming the Hocking “The Mighty Brette Haynes River.”

Creepiness sells, so let’s get to it

Ohio University owns the rights to one of the area’s most celebrated attractions for ghost-hunters and mental health history buffs alike. While Ohio University has agreed to allow the revitalization of the former asylum’s cemeteries, plans are occasionally floated to sell The Ridges to money-hungry developers.

We can and should do better. And in the bold, risk-taking spirit of of converting creepiness into resources for the public good, we will.

Recently, reports have surfaced that Donald Woods, owner of the Lizzie Borden Bed and Breakfast in Fall River, Mass., has filed a federal lawsuit to prevent a new museum and gift shop in Salem from using the Lizzie Borden name.

Woods’ claim is that the new attraction would not only violate his trademark of “Lizzie Borden Museum,” but would draw crucial business away from Fall River, an industrial town 80 miles south of Salem.

The Lizzie Borden in question would be the same Lizzie Borden made famous in 1892 as the former Sunday school teacher accused in the vicious hatchet murders of her wealthy father and stepmother. Despite considerable evidence that seemed to point to Lizzie as the murderer, she was never convicted of the crimes.

It’s a story shrouded in mystery, not the least of which is the fact that tourists flock to spend as much as $250 dollars per night to sleep within the walls of bloody, bloody history. On the B&B’s web site, the owner even boasts that guests are invited to “enjoy a hot breakfast reminiscent of the food the Bordens ate on that fateful Thursday in 1892.”

The most obvious lesson to be taken from all of this? The city of Athens should be capitalizing on some of our own area’s substantially creepy, historic sites as a means of generating revenue.

If it’s true that people are fascinated enough by historical creepiness as to drop hundreds of dollars per night to spend a romantic getaway at the site of one of the country’s most grisly killings on record, surely we could attract enough interest to turn our own abundance of spooky allure into a cash machine.

For starters, The Ridges. Built in 1874 as a state-of-the-art psychiatric hospital, then called the Athens Lunatic Asylum, it’s a structure of immense architectural, historical and well, creepy, appeal. No amount of modern, OU green-and-white signage and beautification projects can strip The Ridges of that. We’re a community blessed with more than our share of internationally renowned creepiness, and it’s high time that we cashed in on it.

Most of the distinctive, allegedly haunted structures within The Ridges have sat relatively untouched since the facility’s final closing, which stemmed from Reagan-era slashes to federal funds for social services. It seems only fitting that a revitalized Ridges museum could simultaneously educate visitors about the myths associated with mental illness and create a funding source for present-day social service organizations. And if it takes a little pandering to those whose intrigue begins with the building’s unmistakably ominous aesthetic and the historical folklore associated with it, then so be it.

For that matter, we’d do well to take an additional cue from our resourceful New England counterparts by opening a bed and breakfast within the former asylum! The best candidate for such an operation would have to be the site of the infamously haunting mark called simply “The stain.” The decomposing body of Margaret Schilling, an asylum resident who turned up missing in December of 1978, was found weeks after her disappearance by a maintenance worker in an abandoned ward on the fourth floor.

It’s said that Schilling, in an apparent attempt to hide from hospital staff, found her way to the vacant, unheated portion of the building, where she eventually succumbed either to hypothermia or starvation. Despite several attempts at removal, the preserved, seemingly indelible outline of Schilling’s body, complete with the details of her bob hairstyle and ruffled dress, remains visible on the ward’s concrete floor to this day. Welcome to The Stain Bed & Breakfast!

If it’s good enough to turn a profit for some cozy little Massachusetts bed and breakfast, it ought to be good enough to attract visitors to the money-deprived hills of southeastern Ohio. Generate cash for the public good, raise awareness about mental health issues, cater to lovers (especially newlyweds) of the supernatural and/or general creepiness, enhance tourism and, in turn, support for local businesses — all without paving a single square foot or cutting down a single tree.

The plan is an inevitable winner, if only we’ve got the collective courage to dispense of any guilt associated with capitalizing on the untimely demise of others. Thankfully, the passage of lots of decades seems to have the effect of upgrading such an idea from appalling and distasteful to intriguing and historical.

For example, you might not catch anyone spending a bunch of money to sleep overnight in that bus in which the Canadian gentleman was inexplicably beheaded this summer. But as long as a given instance of gruesomeness took place a long time ago, even the ugliest acts of violence become fair game for use as a benign educational tool.

“The stain” is surely approaching its elevated cultural status of responsible display material, if it hasn’t already arrived. It’s time to turn all of that intrigue and all those rumors into the money-maker we so desperately need. The alternatives are a bunch of empty, unused buildings, or the eventual purchase and callous “renovation” of the historic landmark, probably to be converted into some dingy mall or another apartment complex that nobody needs.

Help us now by contributing to our Stain Campaign.

Pounding out poverty?

photo credit: normalityrelief

The City of Athens, Ohio (the government of which has yet to officially recognize the Republic of Athens) has found itself under fire for its zoning provisions that prevent the city’s existing homeless shelter from expanding to meet the increasing demands for shelter services.

It’s not a problem that’s unique to Athens. And with poverty on the rise, and charitable attempts at solutions faltering, one man hopes to make a difference.

People Pounds, Inc., which might sound like some kind of weight-loss program, is instead a highly controversial potential answer to the homelessness epidemic, according to the company’s founder and CEO, Dennis Shelton. An ever-increasing population combined with a plummeting economy means the rising demand for emergency shelter has simply outgrown the abilities and resources of non-profit agencies and municipal governments, Shelton said.

“Our facilities will be corporate America’s solution to what social services, grassroots efforts, and government intervention have all failed to fix,” he said. “This is a simple matter of supply and demand, a basic tenet of capitalism. We need 21st century solutions to 21st century problems.”

The basic idea is that individuals who are unable to find sufficient shelter for themselves will have the opportunity to either opt into a temporary kennel (and take the risk that they’ll be “adopted” within a given period of time) or, in areas where the law allows, face the risk of being snared and forcibly taken to such facilities.

The pounds will operate much like many rescue shelters for domestic animals, but with what Shelton calls an “entrepreneurial twist,” to account for the complexities involved with rescuing, placing, and, in some cases, possibly even ”putting down” people as a means of maximizing use of the facility’s space.

People Pounds, Shelton said, will survive primarily by selling ad space on the company’s web site, entering into contracts with city governments that commission “homeless round-ups,” and by collecting “adoption fees” from private citizens who pay to have residents released into new homes.

“We see the problem of increasing homelessness among people as being very similar to homelessness among dogs and cats,” he said. “Sometimes it’s through no fault of their own. Other times we might be talking about a dangerous runaway with a history of violence, or health problems, or any number of things.”

Shelton also cited similarities in public attitudes toward homeless people and homeless pets, with concerns ranging from founded or unfounded fears of potentially dangerous strangers, to sympathy for those in need of shelter.

As for the upstart company’s controversial position on euthanasia, Shelton called the procedure a “necessary evil.”

“Nobody likes it, but it’s something that needs to be done, from a pragmatic point of view,” he said. “But we certainly make every effort to keep (residents) happy and healthy while they’re here. At the end of the day, overpopulation is overpopulation, and homelessness is homelessness.

“Especially in these tough economic times, what can you do?” Shelton said. “Better to serve more of them and euthanize, than serve fewer of them and not euthanize. It’s really about compromise, sacrifice, and the greater good. In the process, we’re also planning to bring a lot of jobs to the areas where we’ll operate.”

He said his company’s hope is that, by consolidating such public displays of poverty, the kennels might serve as a valuable tool for raising awareness about homelessness in the US. It’s a phenomenon similar to what happens when people see first-hand the effects of overpopulation and homelessness among cats and dogs, Shelton said.

“It’s not about trying to equate one animal to another, or trying to say that people are just like dogs,” he said. “Not at all. It’s just a way of saying, hey, all of these are major issues in our society, and they’re only getting worse. We like to think it’s a way to move people to compassion and, ultimately, to action.”

According to Shelton, People Pounds, Inc., is “ahead of the curve” when it comes to expanding services rendered for cats and dogs in need to serving people in need.

“In reality, the only difference is biological species membership,” he said. “We all die from different things all the time anyway. It’s part of life.”

Shelton said his company faces the dual challenges of offering solutions by “thinking more with our heads, and less with our hearts,” as well as applying a kind of moral reasoning he hopes will resonate with the public.

“People Pounds, Inc. just wants to do what makes the most sense for the population as a whole, and to do so as humanely as possible,” he said. “Yes, at some point you have to kind of take your emotions out of it, and just do what makes practical sense.

“But, at the same time, it’s not fair that so many more cats and dogs currently receive needed shelter than human beings.”

“It’s not a perfect solution, but neither are unemployment, slow starvation, or freezing on the street,” he added.

Shelton admitted that his company’s “pounds” are still in the “concept phase,” and that he has yet to receive any permits for construction.

Related articles

• No Good Deed Goes Unpunished (themoderatevoice.com)
• Study: Homeless Children on the Rise (nbc41.com)
• Efforts continue to find space for growing homeless sector (athensnews.com)

How to make a buck (or several of them)

Jobs all over the country are being slashed at alarming rates, leaving more and more Americans to clamor for even the most menial work (when good luck strikes), and for the barest subsistence.

As wages for working people stagnate, fuel and nearly all of our basic staples have reached all-time high prices, relative to the increasingly diminished value of the un-mighty dollar.

Some economists predict the second coming of the Great Depression, or worse. Whatever we call it, the reality is that millions of productive, able, hard-working, determined Americans are flat broke.

So, what’s a community to do when jobs are limited, the costs of basic needs have soared out of reach, and there simply aren’t enough dollars to go around?

Let’s print our own! No kidding.

Local currency is legal, economically and ecologically sustainable, backed by a strong historical track record and, by all accounts, a highly effective tool for empowering more citizens to participate in bolstering their own communities’ viability.

An estimated 2,500 local currency systems, at least 60 of which are known to exist throughout the U.S. and Canada, are in place in countries all over the world. While the implementation of local currencies vary greatly from one system to the next — for instance, some favor using hours of labor, rather than actual monies, as a medium of exchange for goods and services — the basic concept remains the same.

Local currencies (or “hours,” as the Ithaca, N.Y., system prefers) establish trade barriers determined by a community’s people, and for the benefit of that community’s people. Additionally, such systems help to keep the importance of local economy in the minds and hearts of consumers, while helping to invigorate a sense of pride in one’s community.

The idea of local currency is just like any other currency, but in a smaller, more community-oriented way. Such systems in the U.S. have historically never been intended to replace federal dollars. Rather, they act to supplement the collective spending power and financial stability of a locale’s people and, in turn, the strength of local businesses.

For example, imagine that Rosie’s Riveting Auto Shop accepts 20 Athenian dollars as payment for an oil change, then spends those 20 Athenian dollars at Big Hank’s Flowers ‘n Things, which pays those 20 bucks as an agreed-upon portion of its delivery driver’s wages, which that driver then spends on copious beverages and a locally made paw-paw pie at Trendy’s Coffee Shack, a business that then pays a guy named Stu to buff the floors, before Stu spends those 20 Athenian dollars on a buffing of his own over at Manicures For Everyone, whose workers convert that same 20 into a lunchtime delivery from All About Sprouts, et cetera.

Provided that a varied enough group of individuals and local establishments participate, and provided that steps are taken to avoid such pitfalls as lopsided distribution and hyper-inflation, more dollars to spend — whether they’re marked with images of dead presidents or sketches of the College Green clock tower — means more vitality to inject into local resources.

The more those dollars are limited to circulation within the city of Athens, to be exchanged between local businesses and local residents, the less our dependence on federal dollars, and the less our money is reduced to a fleeting export with little to no economic return.

Editors’ note: This introductory piece on local currencies is the first of (at least) a two-part series. Coming soon: “The Case for Athenian Dollars.” Questions, concerns, and ideas from readers are highly encouraged.
photo credit: indi.ca

Save the planet one butt at a time

What’s the most littered item in the U.S. and worldwide? Cigarette butts. Those harmless-looking, cotton-like things that are actually made of cellulose acetate, a type of plastic, and chock full of carcinogens. Cigarette litter is a problem that’s only exacerbated in areas in which indoor smoking is prohibited. They can be seen blowing across parking lots, floating down the river, lodged in the cracks of sidewalks, or any other place that is both visible and has a surface. It’s estimated that several trillion cigarette butts are tossed out as litter worldwide each year. If we were to stick all of them together, we could construct a great, bouncy, foul-smelling castle.

As for what happens to butts after they’ve found homes in the natural world, that appears to be an under-researched question. They surely outlive the birds, fish, whales, dolphins, and other marine animals who die with the litter in their stomachs after mistaking it for food. But the details of a butt’s ability to biodegrade remain sketchy at best. Previous estimates have ranged from many months to many years. Presumably due to variations in temperature, moisture and other environmental factors, butts might well break down at vastly different rates from one place to another.

So, at a loss for reliable, published, scientific data, we’ve set out to conduct our own. Here in the heart of southeastern Ohio, we’re proud to announce the launching of our Adopt-a-Butt program! This is quite different from “adopt-a-highway” projects and the like. In fact, our endeavor’s very purpose is to leave the butts in their natural environment, tracking and reporting any significant changes in position, location, composition, reproductive habits, and such. Adopt-a-Butt is a bit like one of those institutions that allow supporters to “adopt-a-wolf” or “adopt-an-eagle,” etc., except (for now, at least) we’ll be  performing the adoptions and field studies ourselves.

Below is our first adoptee! Please check back regularly for updates on the butt’s welfare and other news as we continue our progress on this exciting project.

Cans only…

Speaking of ambiguous messages, this gem was found near an East State Street parking lot in Athens.

Especially given the absence of punctuation, conceivable interpretations of this message may include, but are not limited to, the following:

1. “Cans only, especially if you’re Jesus.”

2. “Cans! But ONLY if you’re Jesus. No exceptions.”

3. “Please place only cans in here,” followed by the unrelated but inexplicably nearby word, “Jesus.”

4. The proximity of the words might be intentional, the implication being that the request for “Cans only” has come to us from Jesus himself.

5. “This is where cans go,” and by the way — on a separate, decidedly more religious note– the bold proclamation of “ONLY JESUS!” Possibly a sticker-wielding vandal bent on encouraging both recycling and a mass conversion to Christianity.

6. Perhaps it’s the case that too many people have recklessly used the “Cans only” bin for other, non-can waste. The individual responsible for maintaining the “Cans only” bin may have then decided to add to the label an exasperated profanity — “Jesus!”

7. Or perhaps it’s an instructional message, not for that Jesus, but for a trash collector who happens to be named Jesus… kind of like, “Hey, Jesus. Just a friendly reminder that this recepticle contains only cans.”

Top 5 anticipated media stories about the Halloween block party

Each year, the Halloween block party draws thousands of costumed festival goers to uptown Athens. Along with yearly traditions such as closing down Court Street, townies fleeing for the weekend in droves and the harassment of police horses, comes the typical assortment of media reports about the event.

We’re proud to say that our coverage of Halloween weekend starts now, with our Top 5 list of anticipated stories about the chaos that is Athens’ Halloween:

1. Number of arrests over the weekend: This is the staple of any news outlet’s Halloween weekend coverage. News editors and reporters can count on at least a couple dozen arrests every year. And a percentage of those ending up in the weekend slammer will be non-Ohio U students, guaranteeing a few mentions outside Athens’ readership area.
2. The weather/What OU and Athens police are doing: Because either of these topics can be standalone stories or segments of a larger piece, both are rated as a tie. Will the weather be warm and inviting, drawing thousands of drunken party-goers to Court Street? Or will there be a downpour or an unseasonable freeze, resulting in thousands of wet, cold drunken party-goers on Court Street? And no pre-Halloween surmise is complete without at least one quotation from local law enforcement officials or OU administrators about this year’s efforts to anticipate arrests/keep arrests to a minimum.
3. Quashing event: Every year, at least one local official or opinionated resident is eager to share his or her plan for dissolving the Halloween block party. Whether this sentiment can be developed into a full-blown news story depends on whether the individual states his or her view at a public forum, such as a City Council meeting. But the topic is good for at least an editorial, given its controversial nature and the likelihood of its appearing as reader/viewer feedback.
4. Injuries and assaults: This is the “nitty-gritty” Halloween angle, and makes a good sidebar to the “Quashing event” piece (see above). Though serious incidents are thankfully few, it’s the crime reporter’s yearly opportunity to be on call. Cramming 30,000 questionably functioning people into two city blocks over the course of one night — what could possibly go wrong?
5. Costumes: Patrons pushing the legal definition of decency notwithstanding, the sheer creativity displayed by costume-makers at the event is enough to draw media attention.

Another reason to eat locally grown

…Nutritionist and writer Karen Hanrahan alerts us to her favorite instructional prop, a vintage 1996 McDonald’s hamburger.

A recent McDonald's hamburger and a 1996 one. Which is which?

Makes one long for the Athens Farmer’s Market, no?