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He stays in his room pretty much all the time, except when he goes out at night. He rarely spends time in the common areas of the house, and all of his food and drinks are stacked neatly on one side of the fridge –  I guess he doesn’t want to share. In the 72 hours since he’s moved in, he’s refused my multiple invitations for a game of checkers, or my offers of a cold soda, or even a ham-salad sandwich.

Last night, when he came home, it was clear he’d been out partying. He looked a little “hungover,” if you know what I mean. Shortly after he came home, he got sick in the bathroom. I went in and offered to help clean up, but he just said, “Get the (expletive) out of here.” I’m disappointed — I was really hoping Bud and I could be pals.

– Bummed on North College Street

Dear Bummed: Your housemate reminds me a lot of one I had briefly during my sophomore year. I went through some of the same frustrations with him. For being such a cool guy, he sure did keep to himself a lot.

No amount of “Let’s go outside and toss around the football” could pull him away from his video games, smut mags, and various other vices. My choices were to adjust by accepting him (since you can’t change another person without his or her willing participation in that change) or find a new environment more suited to my own interests. As it turned out, though, my “Bud” was an undercover cop whose true identity we ‘d learn only after ”Bud” was badly injured while biking just a little too close to cougar country!

Dear Trevor: My roommate and I are about to host our first off-campus party. We’ve pared down the guest list to over-21s, reserved a few kegs and sent the invitations. Any tips for pulling off a successful (and legal) bash?

– Ashleighee and Barbara

Dear A and B: Hey, ladies! Sounds like a good time. Hmm… A successful and legal bash. Well, it might be smart to keep a few fake I.D.s (with generic-enough-looking pictures) on hand in advance. That way, in the event that some under-agers “sneak through the cracks” and the cops happen to pay a visit, you could present a few examples of your handiwork, and make like you had just seized them from the perpetrators yourself.

You could be all, “I can’t believe these people just lied to me! Thanks so much for your time and help, officer.” Just be sure not to oversell your lines, and do not smirk. Also, it’s never too early to start practicing your best “betrayed and genuinely disappointed” face. ; ) You could probably even incorporate it into some kind of drinking game, or corn hole or something. May the best “disappointed” face win!

It may not be cool to rat out illegal revelers, but it sure beats being the one that Mom, Dad, and Aunt Jane get to read about online in the Athens police blotter.  Oh yeah, and steer clear of the hard drugs!

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It is our hope that, through greater understanding from all parties involved, we might help to secure a safer, less blood-riddled environment for the future.

Brandon, a junior from Euclid, Ohio, who would only give his first name (or, alternately, “Big B,” or “B-ran,” or “The Bra”), said the whole “disaster” amounted to a massive overreaction by law enforcement.

“Okay, we were all just hanging out, all chill, drinking, listening to some music when a bunch of cops on horses came charging in and punching people on the head,” Brandon said. “This one guy in riot gear slapped this chick in the face while she just sitting there having a sandwich. So my dude was like, chill out, she’s just having a sandwich!”

“So, the cop was like, ‘Here’s your sandwich, ********!”

Brandon, who said he’s facing a disorderly conduct charge, said he’s “only guilty of having a good time.”

“Yeah, I urinated on a police horse at one point, but I don’t really see what’s wrong with that,” he said. “I had to go, and the horse was right there in front of me. And it’s not like urine is painful to horses, especially not compared to all of the full beer cans people were chucking at them.”

“Totally,” Brandon’s friend, Nate, agreed.

“So, then I get arrested!” Brandon said. “It’s just insane.”

“Totally,” Nate said.

“I don’t see how this is any different from what people did in the ’60s, like during the sit-ins at the lunch counter and stuff,” Brandon said. “We just wanted to burn up a few stops signs and couches, chuck some stuff at horses, and just chill. You know? It’s like, ‘What about our civil rights?’”

Officer Ross McCown, of the local police department, said he saw things differently.

“We were there to ensure everyone’s safety, and it was only after a bunch of unprovoked students started burning things in the street and pelting officers with cans, bottles, and other debris that we were forced to take the actions necessary for bringing the whole thing under control,” he said.

Asked about eye-witness reports of excessive force by the police, McCown called the accusations “ridiculous.”

“As we arrived on the scene, students began hurling what looked like homemade grenades, and we have reason to believe that several of them were equipped with flame-throwing devices and automatic weapons.”

“When a situation has started to get that far out of hand, it’s our responsibility to do everything we can to make sure it doesn’t escalate any further,” he said.

Despite his insistence that law enforcement “took the high road,” McCown did offer one qualification, unprompted.

“Now don’t get me wrong,” he said. “There’s something really cool about busting up a party, shaking people down and making them cry.”

Patricia Suggs, of the Better Neighborhoods Association of Athens, is an outspoken critic of what she’s dubbed “the general disrespectfulness of student behavior”, and its impact on the greater Athens community. A lifelong Athens resident, she’s the author of the controversial memoir, “Why College Students Have Spoiled Everything for Everyone, And Why They Don’t Give Half a Damn About Anything But Themselves.”

She said her proposal for preventing future near-riots among students is one that’s simple and direct.

“Kick ‘em out. The vast majority of them have no business being here in the first place,” Suggs said. “But, once they’re here, they should be forced to either behave like grown-ups or get deported back to Mommy and Daddy. I’d also like to see some kind of public humiliation punishments brought back from the old days, just as extra incentive. I’m pretty sure that might make little Johnnie Cool Pants think twice about blaring his bad music, leaving his trash everywhere, and relieving himself on my lawn.”

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Editor:

I’m writing today because I feel it is imperative for the citizens of the Republic of Athens to do something about all these block parties.

The students are an 800-lb. gorilla. There’s no getting rid of this gorilla; he is indomitable and consumes copious quantities of bananas (beer). The gorilla comes with the territory, and residents accept this.

Happily, part of the gorilla is an industrious, if fun-loving, beast. Part of the gorilla wants to make a contribution to society, to raise kittens and learn sign language.

But the gorilla also has a dark side. For this part of the gorilla, the jungle, which is our town, is nothing more than a place for him to run around hooting, drinking from streams and marking territory.

Responsible, tax-paying citizens are the spider monkeys trying to avoid being used as swinging vines when the gorilla decides it’s time for some fun. We’ve had enough of trash in the streets, of near-riots and attacks on police horses. I feel like I’m in that movie, “King Kong,” directed by Peter Jackson, except without the distracting performance by Jack Black.

Net traps and tranquilizer guns aside, wouldn’t a respectable “republic” do something to control this bumbling animal before he destroys the place we love?

Relocating him to his sanctuary in the suburbs is only ever a temporary solution. So far, the joke’s on us, the real people who actually live here on purpose (and on our own dime)! Who’s going to stick up for US?

You probably won’t even publish this letter, but here it is.

- Patricia Suggs, Better Neighborhoods Association of Athens

photo credit: dce_76

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The city of Louisville has accepted an offer of $3,000 from the company to fill 300 potholes with asphalt and then paint over the newly patched holes with white lettering that reads: “Refreshed by KFC.”

A white-clad Colonel Sanders look-alike, replete with a cane, fluorescent safety vest, and pointy goatee, has been mugging it up for photo shoots with the city’s newly “refreshed” holes.

Not to be outdone in the battle for sensational public exposure, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), long-time opponents of the intensive factory-farming methods practiced by KFC suppliers, has offered to double KFC’s bid to fill potholes with a message that reads: “KFC TORTURES ANIMALS.”

So far PETA’s offer has been declined.

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And, in an unprecedented move, Haynes has offered to auction off the naming rights to Hocking River, also recently purchased by Haynes.

“The idea of sponsoring a tree is a win-win… for the natural environment and the animals that live there, for companies that will benefit directly from mixing conservation with advertising, and for people who think it’s neat to live in a town that has trees,” Haynes said.

As for taking corporate bids to rename the Hocking River, Haynes said it’s no different from renaming major sports arenas.

“It’s not about changing the river in any way, just about changing what we call it,” he said. “So what if it’s officially called The Taco Bell River or The Kroger River, or whatever. It’s still a beautiful place. And obviously I need to at least make back the money I put into acquiring the river.”

Haynes said if none of the bids exceed his purchase price, he’ll consider renaming the Hocking “The Mighty Brette Haynes River.”

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It’s that time of year again! Canada’s infamous seal hunt is back in the news, raising the ire of compassionate people around the world.

Veteran animal advocates around the world, as well as and those new to the cause of protecting harp seals, have initiated aggressive protests, boycotts, and public education campaigns to put pressure on government officials, consumers, and hunters alike to end the killings. Although Ohio and other similarly situated portions of North America are not inhabited by the harp seal per se, Republic of Athens set out to solicit the thoughts of area leaders whose work contributes to the well-being of other sentient creatures.

This year, the Canadian government is approving the largest commercial killing of harp seals in more than 50 years, and the largest slaughter of marine mammals in the world. Each spring, mother harp seals gather by the hundreds of thousands to give birth on the newly formed ice along Canada’s east coast. After a couple of weeks, the pups’ pristine white coats give way to a silvery pelt. As the mothers are away tending to their mating ritual, thugs with clubs and guns descend in boats, helicopters, and snowmobiles to kill the young for fun and profit.

The Canadian government has established a quota of 300,000 seals, though some estimates put the total number of young seals killed or unaccounted for at around one million. Abundant video evidence and other forms of documentation have revealed the hunt as the unregulated, bloody free-for-all that it is, oftentimes with no apparent regard even for assuring unconsciousness before skinning. One veterinary report concluded that Canada’s commercial seal hunt results in “considerable and unacceptable suffering.”

Karen Figley is vice-president of Rescue Golden Retrievers Right This Minute (RGRRTM):

RA: How do you feel American citizens can impact the annual seal hunt in Canada?

KF: I’m not sure…. Maybe watch less hockey, and make sure your maple syrup is American. Also, you could refuse to buy that round, flat type of bacon.

RA: As you know, domesticated dogs face enormous problems because of overpopulation, neglect, exploitative puppy mill operations, and so forth. Despite the obvious differences in the kinds of difficulties faced, do you feel a kind of interconnectedness between your work and that of individuals and organizations seeking to end such flagrant abuse of other animals, particularly harp seals?

KF: Not really. Seals don’t have legs, plus they don’t even live in homes with people. I say, if you’re going to live in the wild, you get what you get, right? We don’t say polar bears are wrong for killing seal pups, so why is it so bad for people to beat them, drag them with hooks, and skin them? For that matter, polar bears don’t even help the economy when they kill stuff. So, it’s kind of worse, in a way, when they do it. Maybe we should kill the bears too.

RA: Thanks, Karen.

KF: Yep.

Heather Milner runs an Ohio-based primate sanctuary called Get Off The Monkeys’ Backs.

RA: You specialize in the rescue and rehabilitation of primates. I’m wondering how people with such specific fetishes, or concerns, for just one particular biological species might feel about an animal abuse issue as pressing as the Canadian seal hunt. Do you see the potential for a massive sort of coalition that could unify in solidarity against the plight of harp seals?

HM: I think seals are more of a seal group issue.

RA: Would you care to offer any thoughts on how we might best help to mobilize people against the seal hunt?

HM: Get Off The Monkeys’ Backs has no official position on that. I’d have to check with the board.

RA: Thanks.

HM: Uh-huh.

Timothy Banks is president and co-founder of All About Bunnies.

RA: We’ve been talking to various local animal protection organizations about the Canadian seal hunt, which has of course come under fire from all over the world. Could you offer some insights from your extensive experience regionally that might help to galvinize efforts against the hunt to our north?

TB: Are seals bunnies?

RA: Sorry?

TB: At All About Bunnies, we’re all about bunnies. That’s why we’re called All About Bunnies. If you are born shaped like a bunny, we can help. If you’re not, we can’t.

RA: Thanks.

TB: Sure thing, chief.

Related articles

• Sea Shepherd Crew Plant 500 Fake Baby Seals on the Ice (seashepherd.org)
• Against Reason, Canada Increases Seal Hunt Quota by 55,000 (planetsave.com)

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Ohio University owns the rights to one of the area’s most celebrated attractions for ghost-hunters and mental health history buffs alike. While Ohio University has agreed to allow the revitalization of the former asylum’s cemeteries, plans are occasionally floated to sell The Ridges to money-hungry developers.

We can and should do better. And in the bold, risk-taking spirit of of converting creepiness into resources for the public good, we will.

Recently, reports have surfaced that Donald Woods, owner of the Lizzie Borden Bed and Breakfast in Fall River, Mass., has filed a federal lawsuit to prevent a new museum and gift shop in Salem from using the Lizzie Borden name.

Woods’ claim is that the new attraction would not only violate his trademark of “Lizzie Borden Museum,” but would draw crucial business away from Fall River, an industrial town 80 miles south of Salem.

The Lizzie Borden in question would be the same Lizzie Borden made famous in 1892 as the former Sunday school teacher accused in the vicious hatchet murders of her wealthy father and stepmother. Despite considerable evidence that seemed to point to Lizzie as the murderer, she was never convicted of the crimes.

It’s a story shrouded in mystery, not the least of which is the fact that tourists flock to spend as much as $250 dollars per night to sleep within the walls of bloody, bloody history. On the B&B’s web site, the owner even boasts that guests are invited to “enjoy a hot breakfast reminiscent of the food the Bordens ate on that fateful Thursday in 1892.”

The most obvious lesson to be taken from all of this? The city of Athens should be capitalizing on some of our own area’s substantially creepy, historic sites as a means of generating revenue.

If it’s true that people are fascinated enough by historical creepiness as to drop hundreds of dollars per night to spend a romantic getaway at the site of one of the country’s most grisly killings on record, surely we could attract enough interest to turn our own abundance of spooky allure into a cash machine.

For starters, The Ridges. Built in 1874 as a state-of-the-art psychiatric hospital, then called the Athens Lunatic Asylum, it’s a structure of immense architectural, historical and well, creepy, appeal. No amount of modern, OU green-and-white signage and beautification projects can strip The Ridges of that. We’re a community blessed with more than our share of internationally renowned creepiness, and it’s high time that we cashed in on it.

Most of the distinctive, allegedly haunted structures within The Ridges have sat relatively untouched since the facility’s final closing, which stemmed from Reagan-era slashes to federal funds for social services. It seems only fitting that a revitalized Ridges museum could simultaneously educate visitors about the myths associated with mental illness and create a funding source for present-day social service organizations. And if it takes a little pandering to those whose intrigue begins with the building’s unmistakably ominous aesthetic and the historical folklore associated with it, then so be it.

For that matter, we’d do well to take an additional cue from our resourceful New England counterparts by opening a bed and breakfast within the former asylum! The best candidate for such an operation would have to be the site of the infamously haunting mark called simply “The stain.” The decomposing body of Margaret Schilling, an asylum resident who turned up missing in December of 1978, was found weeks after her disappearance by a maintenance worker in an abandoned ward on the fourth floor.

It’s said that Schilling, in an apparent attempt to hide from hospital staff, found her way to the vacant, unheated portion of the building, where she eventually succumbed either to hypothermia or starvation. Despite several attempts at removal, the preserved, seemingly indelible outline of Schilling’s body, complete with the details of her bob hairstyle and ruffled dress, remains visible on the ward’s concrete floor to this day. Welcome to The Stain Bed & Breakfast!

If it’s good enough to turn a profit for some cozy little Massachusetts bed and breakfast, it ought to be good enough to attract visitors to the money-deprived hills of southeastern Ohio. Generate cash for the public good, raise awareness about mental health issues, cater to lovers (especially newlyweds) of the supernatural and/or general creepiness, enhance tourism and, in turn, support for local businesses — all without paving a single square foot or cutting down a single tree.

The plan is an inevitable winner, if only we’ve got the collective courage to dispense of any guilt associated with capitalizing on the untimely demise of others. Thankfully, the passage of lots of decades seems to have the effect of upgrading such an idea from appalling and distasteful to intriguing and historical.

For example, you might not catch anyone spending a bunch of money to sleep overnight in that bus in which the Canadian gentleman was inexplicably beheaded this summer. But as long as a given instance of gruesomeness took place a long time ago, even the ugliest acts of violence become fair game for use as a benign educational tool.

“The stain” is surely approaching its elevated cultural status of responsible display material, if it hasn’t already arrived. It’s time to turn all of that intrigue and all those rumors into the money-maker we so desperately need. The alternatives are a bunch of empty, unused buildings, or the eventual purchase and callous “renovation” of the historic landmark, probably to be converted into some dingy mall or another apartment complex that nobody needs.

Help us now by contributing to our Stain Campaign.

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