Republic of Athens

Commissioners say they will buy new mountains with strip mining revenue; call Appalachian scenery ‘overrated’

Local bigwigs are facing off over which is better: utter joblessness or ecological disaster.

Environmental group FUME (F.U. Mining Entities) overtook a recent county commissioners’ meeting to state its opposition to a recently filed permit for a strip mine in Athens County. Group members argued the mine would destroy acres of rural property, contaminate streams and watersheds and provide few long-lasting employment opportunities in return.

Commissioners, however, remained undecided on whether to oppose or support the proposed mine, noting Ohio’s governor favors job creation over maintaining any type of natural living space, or breathable air.

“Once the coal miners’ lavish paychecks return to the county in tax form, we can just buy everyone some new scenery,” said Commissioner Bart Molliven. “I think the whole ‘green countryside’ thing is somewhat overrated, to be honest.”

Former commissioner-turned-mining-mogul Phil Bison agreed, vowing to offer jobs to locals interested in building new mountains out of dirt and rubble.
photo credit: squeaks2569

Buy me a river

Taking a cue from our Kentucky neighbors, Athens developer Brette Haynes, scorned by many locals for projects that wipe out large swaths of the area’s tree-filled hillsides, has announced plans to offer corporate sponsorships for trees that can now be spared for a price.

And, in an unprecedented move, Haynes has offered to auction off the naming rights to Hocking River, also recently purchased by Haynes.

“The idea of sponsoring a tree is a win-win… for the natural environment and the animals that live there, for companies that will benefit directly from mixing conservation with advertising, and for people who think it’s neat to live in a town that has trees,” Haynes said.

As for taking corporate bids to rename the Hocking River, Haynes said it’s no different from renaming major sports arenas.

“It’s not about changing the river in any way, just about changing what we call it,” he said. “So what if it’s officially called The Taco Bell River or The Kroger River, or whatever. It’s still a beautiful place. And obviously I need to at least make back the money I put into acquiring the river.”

Haynes said if none of the bids exceed his purchase price, he’ll consider renaming the Hocking “The Mighty Brette Haynes River.”

Letters: Down with Halloween?

Editors:

I’m writing on behalf of Concerned Citizens of Athens Who Favor Modifying, Curtailing And/Or Banning The Halloween Block Party Altogether (or CCAWFMCAOBTHPA, pronounced “C-C-A-W-F-M-C-A-O-B-T-H-P-A”). Read more »