And, in an unprecedented move, Haynes has offered to auction off the naming rights to Hocking River, also recently purchased by Haynes.

“The idea of sponsoring a tree is a win-win… for the natural environment and the animals that live there, for companies that will benefit directly from mixing conservation with advertising, and for people who think it’s neat to live in a town that has trees,” Haynes said.

As for taking corporate bids to rename the Hocking River, Haynes said it’s no different from renaming major sports arenas.

“It’s not about changing the river in any way, just about changing what we call it,” he said. “So what if it’s officially called The Taco Bell River or The Kroger River, or whatever. It’s still a beautiful place. And obviously I need to at least make back the money I put into acquiring the river.”

Haynes said if none of the bids exceed his purchase price, he’ll consider renaming the Hocking “The Mighty Brette Haynes River.”

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I’m writing on behalf of Concerned Citizens of Athens Who Favor Modifying, Curtailing And/Or Banning The Halloween Block Party Altogether (or CCAWFMCAOBTHPA, pronounced “C-C-A-W-F-M-C-A-O-B-T-H-P-A”). Every year around this time, it’s the same old story — a great excuse for drunken transients to parade around mostly naked, often in weather conditions well below the annual average temperature.

We’re not opposed to fun, but if Athens is going to make national headlines every year, we’d prefer that it be for something other than a bunch of alcohol-poisonings, random tire-slashings, public urination, flesh-baring revelers, and tazings (usually of flesh-baring revelers). Also, what is the deal with girls always dressing as some kind of bee? Or as a mostly naked… whatever? Mostly naked nurse, mostly naked taxman, mostly naked sanitary engineer, mostly naked lemur, etc.

This year, our Board of Directors has put together a “comprehensive plan” aimed at phasing out Halloween in Athens. As our name implies, we’re certainly not without our factions, as recommendations vary widely in severity and urgency, from issuing glow-sticks to every attendee to constructing a concrete wall and electric fence around the city’s perimeter. Whatever your interest level, we’re confident that there’s a place for you to contribute to the ongoing goals of CCAWFMCAOBTHPA. Look for us year-round as we distribute our brochures that contain our entire plan. Happy Halloween, and please don’t assault anybody.

Warmly,

Betty Collins, Director
CCAWFMCAOBTHPA

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