It is our hope that, through greater understanding from all parties involved, we might help to secure a safer, less blood-riddled environment for the future.

Brandon, a junior from Euclid, Ohio, who would only give his first name (or, alternately, “Big B,” or “B-ran,” or “The Bra”), said the whole “disaster” amounted to a massive overreaction by law enforcement.

“Okay, we were all just hanging out, all chill, drinking, listening to some music when a bunch of cops on horses came charging in and punching people on the head,” Brandon said. “This one guy in riot gear slapped this chick in the face while she just sitting there having a sandwich. So my dude was like, chill out, she’s just having a sandwich!”

“So, the cop was like, ‘Here’s your sandwich, ********!”

Brandon, who said he’s facing a disorderly conduct charge, said he’s “only guilty of having a good time.”

“Yeah, I urinated on a police horse at one point, but I don’t really see what’s wrong with that,” he said. “I had to go, and the horse was right there in front of me. And it’s not like urine is painful to horses, especially not compared to all of the full beer cans people were chucking at them.”

“Totally,” Brandon’s friend, Nate, agreed.

“So, then I get arrested!” Brandon said. “It’s just insane.”

“Totally,” Nate said.

“I don’t see how this is any different from what people did in the ’60s, like during the sit-ins at the lunch counter and stuff,” Brandon said. “We just wanted to burn up a few stops signs and couches, chuck some stuff at horses, and just chill. You know? It’s like, ‘What about our civil rights?’”

Officer Ross McCown, of the local police department, said he saw things differently.

“We were there to ensure everyone’s safety, and it was only after a bunch of unprovoked students started burning things in the street and pelting officers with cans, bottles, and other debris that we were forced to take the actions necessary for bringing the whole thing under control,” he said.

Asked about eye-witness reports of excessive force by the police, McCown called the accusations “ridiculous.”

“As we arrived on the scene, students began hurling what looked like homemade grenades, and we have reason to believe that several of them were equipped with flame-throwing devices and automatic weapons.”

“When a situation has started to get that far out of hand, it’s our responsibility to do everything we can to make sure it doesn’t escalate any further,” he said.

Despite his insistence that law enforcement “took the high road,” McCown did offer one qualification, unprompted.

“Now don’t get me wrong,” he said. “There’s something really cool about busting up a party, shaking people down and making them cry.”

Patricia Suggs, of the Better Neighborhoods Association of Athens, is an outspoken critic of what she’s dubbed “the general disrespectfulness of student behavior”, and its impact on the greater Athens community. A lifelong Athens resident, she’s the author of the controversial memoir, “Why College Students Have Spoiled Everything for Everyone, And Why They Don’t Give Half a Damn About Anything But Themselves.”

She said her proposal for preventing future near-riots among students is one that’s simple and direct.

“Kick ‘em out. The vast majority of them have no business being here in the first place,” Suggs said. “But, once they’re here, they should be forced to either behave like grown-ups or get deported back to Mommy and Daddy. I’d also like to see some kind of public humiliation punishments brought back from the old days, just as extra incentive. I’m pretty sure that might make little Johnnie Cool Pants think twice about blaring his bad music, leaving his trash everywhere, and relieving himself on my lawn.”

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Editor:

I’m writing today because I feel it is imperative for the citizens of the Republic of Athens to do something about all these block parties.

The students are an 800-lb. gorilla. There’s no getting rid of this gorilla; he is indomitable and consumes copious quantities of bananas (beer). The gorilla comes with the territory, and residents accept this.

Happily, part of the gorilla is an industrious, if fun-loving, beast. Part of the gorilla wants to make a contribution to society, to raise kittens and learn sign language.

But the gorilla also has a dark side. For this part of the gorilla, the jungle, which is our town, is nothing more than a place for him to run around hooting, drinking from streams and marking territory.

Responsible, tax-paying citizens are the spider monkeys trying to avoid being used as swinging vines when the gorilla decides it’s time for some fun. We’ve had enough of trash in the streets, of near-riots and attacks on police horses. I feel like I’m in that movie, “King Kong,” directed by Peter Jackson, except without the distracting performance by Jack Black.

Net traps and tranquilizer guns aside, wouldn’t a respectable “republic” do something to control this bumbling animal before he destroys the place we love?

Relocating him to his sanctuary in the suburbs is only ever a temporary solution. So far, the joke’s on us, the real people who actually live here on purpose (and on our own dime)! Who’s going to stick up for US?

You probably won’t even publish this letter, but here it is.

- Patricia Suggs, Better Neighborhoods Association of Athens

photo credit: dce_76

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I’m writing on behalf of Concerned Citizens of Athens Who Favor Modifying, Curtailing And/Or Banning The Halloween Block Party Altogether (or CCAWFMCAOBTHPA, pronounced “C-C-A-W-F-M-C-A-O-B-T-H-P-A”). Every year around this time, it’s the same old story — a great excuse for drunken transients to parade around mostly naked, often in weather conditions well below the annual average temperature.

We’re not opposed to fun, but if Athens is going to make national headlines every year, we’d prefer that it be for something other than a bunch of alcohol-poisonings, random tire-slashings, public urination, flesh-baring revelers, and tazings (usually of flesh-baring revelers). Also, what is the deal with girls always dressing as some kind of bee? Or as a mostly naked… whatever? Mostly naked nurse, mostly naked taxman, mostly naked sanitary engineer, mostly naked lemur, etc.

This year, our Board of Directors has put together a “comprehensive plan” aimed at phasing out Halloween in Athens. As our name implies, we’re certainly not without our factions, as recommendations vary widely in severity and urgency, from issuing glow-sticks to every attendee to constructing a concrete wall and electric fence around the city’s perimeter. Whatever your interest level, we’re confident that there’s a place for you to contribute to the ongoing goals of CCAWFMCAOBTHPA. Look for us year-round as we distribute our brochures that contain our entire plan. Happy Halloween, and please don’t assault anybody.

Warmly,

Betty Collins, Director
CCAWFMCAOBTHPA

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