Republic of Athens

Commissioners say they will buy new mountains with strip mining revenue; call Appalachian scenery ‘overrated’

Local bigwigs are facing off over which is better: utter joblessness or ecological disaster.

Environmental group FUME (F.U. Mining Entities) overtook a recent county commissioners’ meeting to state its opposition to a recently filed permit for a strip mine in Athens County. Group members argued the mine would destroy acres of rural property, contaminate streams and watersheds and provide few long-lasting employment opportunities in return.

Commissioners, however, remained undecided on whether to oppose or support the proposed mine, noting Ohio’s governor favors job creation over maintaining any type of natural living space, or breathable air.

“Once the coal miners’ lavish paychecks return to the county in tax form, we can just buy everyone some new scenery,” said Commissioner Bart Molliven. “I think the whole ‘green countryside’ thing is somewhat overrated, to be honest.”

Former commissioner-turned-mining-mogul Phil Bison agreed, vowing to offer jobs to locals interested in building new mountains out of dirt and rubble.
photo credit: squeaks2569

Save the planet one butt at a time

What’s the most littered item in the U.S. and worldwide? Cigarette butts. Those harmless-looking, cotton-like things that are actually made of cellulose acetate, a type of plastic, and chock full of carcinogens. Cigarette litter is a problem that’s only exacerbated in areas in which indoor smoking is prohibited. They can be seen blowing across parking lots, floating down the river, lodged in the cracks of sidewalks, or any other place that is both visible and has a surface. It’s estimated that several trillion cigarette butts are tossed out as litter worldwide each year. If we were to stick all of them together, we could construct a great, bouncy, foul-smelling castle.

As for what happens to butts after they’ve found homes in the natural world, that appears to be an under-researched question. They surely outlive the birds, fish, whales, dolphins, and other marine animals who die with the litter in their stomachs after mistaking it for food. But the details of a butt’s ability to biodegrade remain sketchy at best. Previous estimates have ranged from many months to many years. Presumably due to variations in temperature, moisture and other environmental factors, butts might well break down at vastly different rates from one place to another.

So, at a loss for reliable, published, scientific data, we’ve set out to conduct our own. Here in the heart of southeastern Ohio, we’re proud to announce the launching of our Adopt-a-Butt program! This is quite different from “adopt-a-highway” projects and the like. In fact, our endeavor’s very purpose is to leave the butts in their natural environment, tracking and reporting any significant changes in position, location, composition, reproductive habits, and such. Adopt-a-Butt is a bit like one of those institutions that allow supporters to “adopt-a-wolf” or “adopt-an-eagle,” etc., except (for now, at least) we’ll be  performing the adoptions and field studies ourselves.

Below is our first adoptee! Please check back regularly for updates on the butt’s welfare and other news as we continue our progress on this exciting project.