I’m writing on behalf of Concerned Citizens of Athens Who Favor Modifying, Curtailing And/Or Banning The Halloween Block Party Altogether (or CCAWFMCAOBTHPA, pronounced “C-C-A-W-F-M-C-A-O-B-T-H-P-A”). Every year around this time, it’s the same old story — a great excuse for drunken transients to parade around mostly naked, often in weather conditions well below the annual average temperature.

We’re not opposed to fun, but if Athens is going to make national headlines every year, we’d prefer that it be for something other than a bunch of alcohol-poisonings, random tire-slashings, public urination, flesh-baring revelers, and tazings (usually of flesh-baring revelers). Also, what is the deal with girls always dressing as some kind of bee? Or as a mostly naked… whatever? Mostly naked nurse, mostly naked taxman, mostly naked sanitary engineer, mostly naked lemur, etc.

This year, our Board of Directors has put together a “comprehensive plan” aimed at phasing out Halloween in Athens. As our name implies, we’re certainly not without our factions, as recommendations vary widely in severity and urgency, from issuing glow-sticks to every attendee to constructing a concrete wall and electric fence around the city’s perimeter. Whatever your interest level, we’re confident that there’s a place for you to contribute to the ongoing goals of CCAWFMCAOBTHPA. Look for us year-round as we distribute our brochures that contain our entire plan. Happy Halloween, and please don’t assault anybody.

Warmly,

Betty Collins, Director
CCAWFMCAOBTHPA

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We’re proud to say that our coverage of Halloween weekend starts now, with our Top 5 list of anticipated stories about the chaos that is Athens’ Halloween:

1. Number of arrests over the weekend: This is the staple of any news outlet’s Halloween weekend coverage. News editors and reporters can count on at least a couple dozen arrests every year. And a percentage of those ending up in the weekend slammer will be non-Ohio U students, guaranteeing a few mentions outside Athens’ readership area.
2. The weather/What OU and Athens police are doing: Because either of these topics can be standalone stories or segments of a larger piece, both are rated as a tie. Will the weather be warm and inviting, drawing thousands of drunken party-goers to Court Street? Or will there be a downpour or an unseasonable freeze, resulting in thousands of wet, cold drunken party-goers on Court Street? And no pre-Halloween surmise is complete without at least one quotation from local law enforcement officials or OU administrators about this year’s efforts to anticipate arrests/keep arrests to a minimum.
3. Quashing event: Every year, at least one local official or opinionated resident is eager to share his or her plan for dissolving the Halloween block party. Whether this sentiment can be developed into a full-blown news story depends on whether the individual states his or her view at a public forum, such as a City Council meeting. But the topic is good for at least an editorial, given its controversial nature and the likelihood of its appearing as reader/viewer feedback.
4. Injuries and assaults: This is the “nitty-gritty” Halloween angle, and makes a good sidebar to the “Quashing event” piece (see above). Though serious incidents are thankfully few, it’s the crime reporter’s yearly opportunity to be on call. Cramming 30,000 questionably functioning people into two city blocks over the course of one night — what could possibly go wrong?
5. Costumes: Patrons pushing the legal definition of decency notwithstanding, the sheer creativity displayed by costume-makers at the event is enough to draw media attention.

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