Republic of Athens

‘Free’ labor

State leaders have finally closed an egregious loophole that allowed near-criminal exploitation of taxpayer dollars in Ohio.

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With the passage of SB-5, public employers, not so-called “laborers,” will enjoy the opportunity to have the final say on how much money their employees take home. That policemen, firefighters, teachers and other public employees are allowed so much pay or job-related benefits to start with is baffling. Local government budgets were being sucked dry by professionals demanding a “living wage.” The middle class was effectively getting away with murder. But no more! The heady days of unlimited, no-cost public education and universal infrastructure are over.

And speaking of cutting down on free government rides, America’s prisons are woefully crowded — with an overpaid, government-subsidized workforce. About 2 million of these so-called “inmates,” mostly young minority men, are sucking the budgets dry with the sweet government payout of three square meals and housing, plus subsidized medical care. Corporations across the country have already helped ensure that these fellows collect a crisp fistful of dollar bills for a day’s work, and those same companies generously finance the prison’s operating costs. What possible need could the workers have for continued government payouts?

Let’s scale these time-doin’, stripes-wearing, cigarette-trading fat cats down to the bare minimum, say, minimum wage (and no more desserts). Then we will have the ideal solution for anyone worried about who will repair our roads, fight fires, teach our children and tend to public safety, while at the same time maintaining a balanced budget.

Replacing the current crop of public sector workers with the government’s fastest-growing labor force could be just the ticket to solving the budget crises facing our nation’s states. If they attempt to unionize, prison leaders have options to them state government officials would trade their golf outings for, such as solitary confinement, or retaliatory beatings.

As for the previous occupants of those high-paying public occupations, they may find themselves in a growing class of citizenry: the invisible poor. And if poverty and mental illness account for a large enough percentage of our nation’s prisoners, they could have their old jobs back before they know it.

Related articles

• Michelle Chen: State Budget Battles Converge on Prison Labor Force (huffingtonpost.com)

Save the planet one butt at a time

What’s the most littered item in the U.S. and worldwide? Cigarette butts. Those harmless-looking, cotton-like things that are actually made of cellulose acetate, a type of plastic, and chock full of carcinogens. Cigarette litter is a problem that’s only exacerbated in areas in which indoor smoking is prohibited. They can be seen blowing across parking lots, floating down the river, lodged in the cracks of sidewalks, or any other place that is both visible and has a surface. It’s estimated that several trillion cigarette butts are tossed out as litter worldwide each year. If we were to stick all of them together, we could construct a great, bouncy, foul-smelling castle.

As for what happens to butts after they’ve found homes in the natural world, that appears to be an under-researched question. They surely outlive the birds, fish, whales, dolphins, and other marine animals who die with the litter in their stomachs after mistaking it for food. But the details of a butt’s ability to biodegrade remain sketchy at best. Previous estimates have ranged from many months to many years. Presumably due to variations in temperature, moisture and other environmental factors, butts might well break down at vastly different rates from one place to another.

So, at a loss for reliable, published, scientific data, we’ve set out to conduct our own. Here in the heart of southeastern Ohio, we’re proud to announce the launching of our Adopt-a-Butt program! This is quite different from “adopt-a-highway” projects and the like. In fact, our endeavor’s very purpose is to leave the butts in their natural environment, tracking and reporting any significant changes in position, location, composition, reproductive habits, and such. Adopt-a-Butt is a bit like one of those institutions that allow supporters to “adopt-a-wolf” or “adopt-an-eagle,” etc., except (for now, at least) we’ll be  performing the adoptions and field studies ourselves.

Below is our first adoptee! Please check back regularly for updates on the butt’s welfare and other news as we continue our progress on this exciting project.

My name is Sarah…

… And on behalf of myself and others so named, I demand an apology.

McCain’s pick of Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin has created a large amount of unwanted buzz around the name Sarah.

It’s bad enough to hear the left-wing media’s sudden, constant maligning of the name Sarah, but heaven forbid she actually becomes the VP. Look what happened after Cheney was nominated and elected. Now nobody wants to be called a Dick.

Sarahs, myself included, have not asked to be singled out in this way. Mostly, we want to be left alone to enjoy what uniquely U.S. rights we have remaining, while we still can.

For instance, several of us have sent missives to womenagainstsarahpalin.blogspot.com, which as of today boasts more than 100,000 letters of anguish from concerned citizens (not all of them named Sarah) about the prospect of a Sarah Palin vice-presidency.

Here’s a sampling of what a few of us have to say about the Palin nomination:

Sarah S. of San Diego, Calif., says, “We have moved far beyond the point where the selection of anyone in a skirt is a step forward. To select Sarah Palin as bait to those who supported the thoughtful, accomplished, intelligent Hillary Rodham Clinton is a cynical move very insulting to the citizens of this country.”

Sarah J., age 30, notes, “That the VP on the ticket is a woman is completely and utterly irrelevant; I cast my vote for politcal platforms not genitalia and mammary glands.”

Sarah W., age 72, writes, “Her election would be a travesty.”

I can’t help but agree with the Sarahs. Palin’s nomination is nothing short of an insult to the millions of women who have fought for decades in this country to improve life not just for themselves, but for all women.

Or maybe I’m just jealous that McCain didn’t pick me.

After all, my name is Sarah (with an H). I am decidedly female. I have brown hair and I wear glasses.

I have been known to sport lipstick on occasion, and am an advocate of pit bulls. I am from the smallest of small towns, and have never lived outside the great swing state of Ohio, except for that time I was born in West Virginia (which will only boost my folksy appeal).

I am literate and comfortable in front of a crowd. I love giving snappy answers to weighty questions, and just wait until you hear my comedy routine on volunteer service.

As for foreign policy experience, I have been to Great Britian — twice! — Canada, the Caribbean, Cleveland, AND I have stood at the southernmost point of the United States, only 90 miles from Cuba.

I have not, as of late, embraced the Republican party’s right-wing values. But that’s been no hindrance to John McCain, so I don’t see how it might prevent my rise to stardom. If nothing else, my appointment would create a spectacular diversion.

That is, after all, what it’s about… isn’t it?
photo credit: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com