Athens County Republicans have announced their new, highly controversial strategy of establishing their tickets based on the rhyme schemes formed by the nominees’ names.

“We feel that this effort allows us to be seen as a little less ‘ruling class’ and a little more clever, a little more fun-loving,” said a registered Athens Republican, who identified himself as Shayne Dwayne-Wayne. “We realize that now more than ever Americans are basing their political decisions and ideologies more on packaging and image than on substance or stances on the issues,” he said.

Asked if he worried about whether such an experimental strategy could alienate more serious-minded voters, Dwayne-Wayne said, ”It’s not even a strategy per se, as much as a current, in-touch form of outreach, kind of a reminder that all politics doesn’t have to be so serious all of the time. We think it’s important for Republicans to be at the forefront of that movement.

“U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! Yaaaaaay! Lipstick!,” he said. ”Ya-hooooo! Kane, Payne, McCain! Drill, baby, drill! Thanks but no thanks, bridge to nowhere! U.S.A.! Yaaaaaay! Kane, Payne, McCain! Kane, Payne, McCain! U.S.A.! Yay!”

“See? Catchy things work,” Dwayne-Wayne said. “They just do.”

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McCain’s pick of Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin has created a large amount of unwanted buzz around the name Sarah.

It’s bad enough to hear the left-wing media’s sudden, constant maligning of the name Sarah, but heaven forbid she actually becomes the VP. Look what happened after Cheney was nominated and elected. Now nobody wants to be called a Dick.

Sarahs, myself included, have not asked to be singled out in this way. Mostly, we want to be left alone to enjoy what uniquely U.S. rights we have remaining, while we still can.

For instance, several of us have sent missives to womenagainstsarahpalin.blogspot.com, which as of today boasts more than 100,000 letters of anguish from concerned citizens (not all of them named Sarah) about the prospect of a Sarah Palin vice-presidency.

Here’s a sampling of what a few of us have to say about the Palin nomination:

Sarah S. of San Diego, Calif., says, “We have moved far beyond the point where the selection of anyone in a skirt is a step forward. To select Sarah Palin as bait to those who supported the thoughtful, accomplished, intelligent Hillary Rodham Clinton is a cynical move very insulting to the citizens of this country.”

Sarah J., age 30, notes, “That the VP on the ticket is a woman is completely and utterly irrelevant; I cast my vote for politcal platforms not genitalia and mammary glands.”

Sarah W., age 72, writes, “Her election would be a travesty.”

I can’t help but agree with the Sarahs. Palin’s nomination is nothing short of an insult to the millions of women who have fought for decades in this country to improve life not just for themselves, but for all women.

Or maybe I’m just jealous that McCain didn’t pick me.

After all, my name is Sarah (with an H). I am decidedly female. I have brown hair and I wear glasses.

I have been known to sport lipstick on occasion, and am an advocate of pit bulls. I am from the smallest of small towns, and have never lived outside the great swing state of Ohio, except for that time I was born in West Virginia (which will only boost my folksy appeal).

I am literate and comfortable in front of a crowd. I love giving snappy answers to weighty questions, and just wait until you hear my comedy routine on volunteer service.

As for foreign policy experience, I have been to Great Britian — twice! — Canada, the Caribbean, Cleveland, AND I have stood at the southernmost point of the United States, only 90 miles from Cuba.

I have not, as of late, embraced the Republican party’s right-wing values. But that’s been no hindrance to John McCain, so I don’t see how it might prevent my rise to stardom. If nothing else, my appointment would create a spectacular diversion.

That is, after all, what it’s about… isn’t it?
photo credit: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com

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